you can't dance and stay uptight

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into
action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you
block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not
have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with
other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the
channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep
open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No
artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer,
divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive
than the others.”

Martha Graham

Sunday Morning

I
Complacencies of the peignoir, and late
Coffee and oranges in a sunny chair,
And the green freedom of a cockatoo
Upon a rug mingle to dissipate
The holy hush of ancient sacrifice.
She dreams a little, and she feels the dark
Encroachment of that old catastrophe,
As a calm darkens among water-lights.
The pungent oranges and bright, green wings
Seem things in some procession of the dead,
Winding across wide water, without sound.
The day is like wide water, without sound.
Stilled for the passing of her dreaming feet
Over the seas, to silent Palestine,
Dominion of the blood and sepulchre.

II
Why should she give her bounty to the dead?
What is divinity if it can come
Only in silent shadows and in dreams?
Shall she not find in comforts of the sun,
In pungent fruit and bright, green wings, or else
In any balm or beauty of the earth,
Things to be cherished like the thought of heaven?
Divinity must live within herself:
Passions of rain, or moods in falling snow;
Grievings in loneliness, or unsubdued
Elations when the forest blooms; gusty
Emotions on wet roads on autumn nights;
All pleasures and all pains, remembering
The bough of summer and the winter branch.
These are the measures destined for her soul.

III
Jove in the clouds had his inhuman birth.
No mother suckled him, no sweet land gave
Large-mannered motions to his mythy mind.
He moved among us, as a muttering king,
Magnificent, would move among his hinds,
Until our blood, commingling, virginal,
With heaven, brought such requital to desire
The very hinds discerned it, in a star.
Shall our blood fail? Or shall it come to be
The blood of paradise? And shall the earth
Seem all of paradise that we shall know?
The sky will be much friendlier then than now,
A part of labor and a part of pain,
And next in glory to enduring love,
Not this dividing and indifferent blue.

IV
She says, "I am content when wakened birds,
Before they fly, test the reality
Of misty fields, by their sweet questionings;
But when the birds are gone, and their warm fields
Return no more, where, then, is paradise?"
There is not any haunt of prophecy,
Nor any old chimera of the grave,
Neither the golden underground, nor isle
Melodious, where spirits gat them home,
Nor visionary south, nor cloudy palm
Remote on heaven's hill, that has endured
As April's green endures; or will endure
Like her rememberance of awakened birds,
Or her desire for June and evening, tipped
By the consummation of the swallow's wings.

V
She says, "But in contentment I still feel
The need of some imperishable bliss."
Death is the mother of beauty; hence from her,
Alone, shall come fulfillment to our dreams
And our desires. Although she strews the leaves
Of sure obliteration on our paths,
The path sick sorrow took, the many paths
Where triumph rang its brassy phrase, or love
Whispered a little out of tenderness,
She makes the willow shiver in the sun
For maidens who were wont to sit and gaze
Upon the grass, relinquished to their feet.
She causes boys to pile new plums and pears
On disregarded plate. The maidens taste
And stray impassioned in the littering leaves.

VI
Is there no change of death in paradise?
Does ripe fruit never fall? Or do the boughs
Hang always heavy in that perfect sky,
Unchanging, yet so like our perishing earth,
With rivers like our own that seek for seas
They never find, the same receding shores
That never touch with inarticulate pang?
Why set the pear upon those river-banks
Or spice the shores with odors of the plum?
Alas, that they should wear our colors there,
The silken weavings of our afternoons,
And pick the strings of our insipid lutes!
Death is the mother of beauty, mystical,
Within whose burning bosom we devise
Our earthly mothers waiting, sleeplessly.

VII
Supple and turbulent, a ring of men
Shall chant in orgy on a summer morn
Their boisterous devotion to the sun,
Not as a god, but as a god might be,
Naked among them, like a savage source.
Their chant shall be a chant of paradise,
Out of their blood, returning to the sky;
And in their chant shall enter, voice by voice,
The windy lake wherein their lord delights,
The trees, like serafin, and echoing hills,
That choir among themselves long afterward.
They shall know well the heavenly fellowship
Of men that perish and of summer morn.
And whence they came and whither they shall go
The dew upon their feet shall manifest.

VIII
She hears, upon that water without sound,
A voice that cries, "The tomb in Palestine
Is not the porch of spirits lingering.
It is the grave of Jesus, where he lay."
We live in an old chaos of the sun,
Or old dependency of day and night,
Or island solitude, unsponsored, free,
Of that wide water, inescapable.
Deer walk upon our mountains, and the quail
Whistle about us their spontaneous cries;
Sweet berries ripen in the wilderness;
And, in the isolation of the sky,
At evening, casual flocks of pigeons make
Ambiguous undulations as they sink,
Downward to darkness, on extended wings.

-Wallace Stevens-

don't you ever wonder who the fuck is looking at your webshots 52 times a week?

so happy!

summer's been weird. its kind of just floated by...and i'm not sure how. but i guess we're going to the cape soon. well lillian came to visit me. we went on a couple small road-trips (mostly for the sake of theatre) and smoked a lot of cigarettes. well more than i'm used to i guess. jack and lucas came home. we watched pagemaster which, honestly, was pretty frightening. we also watched party monster! (party monster=peter pan!)

i decided i'm going to miss my mom... so i watched project runway with her. it was pretty cute.

peter pan is over. i gave each of our campers some fairy dust as a little parting gift. and i made mad cupcakes too. i'm gonna miss laura and the "weird" guy we like to look at and stalker and being a sparkly star and directing traffic (just kidding traffic is sweaty)

i really want to leave now i guess. or maybe summer just sucks.

i'm watching Moulin Rouge...so let me just say...that i have a HUGE crush on Ewan McGregor.

movies i have watched over the past couple of weeks: cars, superman returns, the devil wears prada, pirates of the carribean 2, down with love, american beauty (3 times), pretty persuasion, imaginary heroes, the neverending story. for me, that is a lot a lot of movies.

also i feel a little bit pathetic.

also i am NOT grounded. somehow. my mom has been uncharacteristically cool by not punishing me AND letting me break curfew one time.

days are so long.

so i'm probably going to be grounded for drinking. what else is new. its so strange i don't drink often but somehow my parents seem to find out. and i get harsh punishments relative to the rest of my friends and like everyone else ever.

the devil wears prada was okay. i mean i'd have to watch it again to really know. jake e-mailed jason robert brown to ask him if he thinks Superman Returns! The Musical is a good idea. King of the World really is perfect for it. thanks jrb (and michael arden of course)

max left.

hall kids? wha? jake and i got sad because we're not really interested in that scene anymore. so oh well. hm.

i miss graham!

work is tiring. lots of little kiddles. yea i need to make more lesson plans. bah!

had a loooovely dinner for ellie at jack's house the other night.

i think i may be mildly allergic to cherries!!!! and that sucks

i owe like $6.50 in overdue book fees. and i miss EMILY and cape cod and interlochen and miss lillian patterson.


also....hayley and i are cute.....this is what happens when i babysit:

i'm lauren. apparently my birthday is february 26th, 1986...even though that doesn't make 21. (i guess Bouncers can't do math). yes i wear this toga all the time. actually i'm from rome. and i am going to be a senior at BU. yes, you are correct, that IS in new york city. i speak Portuguese too. this here is jake. he was born in 1984 and he's from arizona. he's an urban studies major at columbia. he's like really smart. we like grapes. we're too hot for this party.

i love my new (collegey) computer. this is what julie and i did with it:



and then some of this:



and julie is cute:

mkay so here is what i think:

I feel bad for all of the silly silly people who thought The Wedding Singer would be a good Broadway musical.

The people who vote for who wins all the Tony Awards like boys a lot. because 'The History Boys' AND 'The Jersey Boys' both won bests. that is a lot of boys.

Audra is hot.

Cynthia Nixon is a lesbian!

Alfre Woodard's boobs are really big.

laChanze is so so so cute.

mkay this is what i also think:

chocolate milkshakes are so kickass.

I want to be a Newsie!!!!!!!!

shit.

today was sneaky and mind-blowing in many ways.

i. love. people.

i can't really form coherent sentences or thoughts, really, right now.

sometimes weird shit happens.

yea.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEIRDRE, MY LOVE!!!!!! yay! i made deirdre some marbletastic cookies. i had like 4.5 of them.

this week was very, i don't know, lots of things ended. monday was maggie moo monday. lots of giggling, stumbling, warm fuzzy feelings, and ice cream. it was awesome.

lots and lots of rehearsal happened. on until wednesday i was SO worried about At The Ballet but honestly it came out beautifully. Those chickies get Most Improved. the show went up on thursday and went really well actually. but today. oh man it was intense. shannon did not show up. frankly i am very worried. she is always 100% punctual and reliable. and she just didn't show up. well then a very dramatic scene ensued in which much of my cast was saying "lauren! the show must go on! you have to go on for shannon!" and i would say "oh noooo! i can't! i don't know it!" "yes you do you can do it!!!" "noooo!" "yes!" "ummmm uurgh fine" so i went on for shannon. didn't do her justice i really wish the audience could have seen her. she was fantastic.

jack and i fed stats class hummus and carrots for our chick peas/ garbanzo beans presentation.

watched some emperor's new groove. and some distingiushed gentelmen (very funny).

tonight was super fun. basically it ended up being me, deirdre, eric, alex levine, leah, melanie, max, gabe, alexandra, scott, and various other like 5 people all in leah's attic. gabe is so funny about drugs. i drew hearts on max's arm. got lots of phone numbers and hugs. also ate come kick-ass cookies

this was emily's away message, i thought it was funny:

a chicken and an egg are lying in bed. the chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. the egg mutters to no one in paticular, "well, i guess we answered that question."

hehe.

had a rehearsal from 12-2:30. it is going to be so adorable. every time i have these weekend rehearsals i feel really good about everything. then i remember that only like 1/2 the people came. but its okay. i think it will work out. caitlin sounds amazing. so do shannon and ross. and the dancing=so so so cute. i think it might actually come together (!!!???) these positive thoughts will pass, but oh well. right at this moment things are good.

last night was bundles of fun. there was a lot of freaking sweet dancing to an awesome mix (woot!). and charlie and i fully enjoyed ourselves even though we weren't on any drugs!!! lets see. after dancing we walked to vanderbilt park. lucas and i skipped. sat. max made me give him a massage. on the LONG walk back max pushed lucas into a bush. it was funny. jack had pudding. i went home and watched seinfeld and laughed by myself haha.

oh yeah saw ben! i missed him a lot.

talked to colin keene!

i'm in a very good mood now that rehearsal was a lovely success and now i have to go re-write some art history quiz fun-ness.

aahhhhh ♥

i think this week was fairly uneventful. it must be, because its kind of a blurr. bard got my little letter saying i want to be on the waitlist.

oh! wait i DID get to see Lauren Dimesky, yes the other half of the original lolobug team AND the one and only sporty spice. we met in the center. i finally said hi to colin who i see a lot but never say hi to (i do not know why). we discovered that both colin and i volunteered at ten thousand villages and hated our smellysmokerbitterlazy manager. and lauren looks hot and amazing. and amanda came to. we have all changed, but we still get along so well. i was really happy about that. because i got really nervous about how we've all changed after the lisa haylon incident ("all you rich kids, you just on coke! you got dis nice car, and man, you just fuckin' it up!"........?) so the scary, sporty, ginger reunion was lovely.

happy 4/20 to all who celebrated!

er-bear hearts the wenis.

amy chua was hot and so smart. and kind of funny and weird. and she hates hugo chavez.

i looove cake. this weekend does not look like its going to be fun.

well today just sucked in almost every way. it was fucking horrible. i mean during the day i was in a fairly good mood, but in retrospect i have no idea why because it was terrible.

i held rehearsal 4x and honestly it sucked balls. i think they all hate me. and i felt really stupid. i mean rehearsals go a lot better when mr chiarappa is there to play piano. and the whole rehearsal was just hastily put together because i didn't know mr chiarappa couldn't play for another song i was going to rehearse. and i guess we got a little done. but fuck. they HATE me. i just need chiarappa there next time so i can assume control again. i felt so fucking stupid. still do. i hope i can redeem myself.

soo i have officially heard from all colleges. ithaca wants me as an art history major, and they are giving me a scholarship. too bad i don't want to go there. i guess i'll go to bard if i get in. if not, i'll go to bu. thats looking like a good plan.

last of the auditions today. i have to cute people and that is not fun at all. unfortunately i have to do what i have to do and its just for casting purposes. i would take all of them if i could. c'est la vie, non?

i was so angry today before jack came in because it appeared as though he was just fully skipping school. i was just sitting in stats being angry because he wasn't there. but then he came and i was happy. kristen made me a very sexual cartoon today. i put it in THE notebook. it was gross.

-get into the groove-

eww colleges suck.

2-1-4

waiting for ithaca and bard now.

college admissions:

1-1 (waitlisted at emerson)-2

THANK YOU BOSTON UNIVERSITY theatre department in the college of fine arts
finally someone wants me at their school.

:)